Taking a Break

I realized something important recently: aside from writing and my family, I no longer had any hobbies that "take me away" from the stresses of everyday life. Reading used to be my go-to, but nowadays it takes a very talented author to pull me out of the analyze mode that kicks in when I pick up a book. I'm a professional author and editor, a double whammy when it comes to enjoying a story. But I still love stories. So what's a writer to do when they want to take a break from work?

Lately my daughter and I have turned to stories in another form: movies. Maybe because the visual is distracting to the analytical part of my brain, or maybe because there's often so much fabulous eye candy (!), I can enjoy movies despite issues that might otherwise turn me off a book. Besides, it's hard to judge someone's comma usage when you can't see the commas. :)

Next week we have fall break here. It's pretty much spring break in the fall, a midsemester week off for the schools in this area. In honor of our upcoming "break," here are some movies I've enjoyed in the past year. Maybe you can take a break and enjoy one (or all) of them too.

1. Red Dawn

The new one, not the original. I mean, Chris Hemsworth. Need I say more?

2. Tomorrow When the World Began

This little gem got stumbled upon by my husband recently, and we've enjoyed it so much we've moved on to John Marsden's books (on which the movie is based). Basically Red Dawn in Australia.

3. The World's End

I have a hard time finding comedies I enjoy, but this one... It's just so out there, so completely overdone that I can't help but laugh. A f*ckton of language, but still, Simon Pegg is hilarious.

4. Jack Reacher

Can you tell I like hero-centric movies as much as I like hero-centric books? And in that weird "six degrees of separation" connection, Tom Cruise starred with a much more serious Simon Pegg in Mission Impossible 3. :) Just don't spend the movie trying to find all the ways they made Tom Cruise look tall.

5. Hotel Transylvania

I have kids; so sue me! But even if I didn't have kids, this movie would be a hit. My husband and I have made it our mission in life to find family movies that have enough adult humor that it keeps us entertained as well as the younger members of our family. "Look at me! I'm a Frankenhomie!"

6. World War Z

I am a sucker for zombie movies. I don't care what anyone says about WWZ; I can successfully separate the movie from the book, and this movie rocks. Besides, Brad Pitt -- yum!

7. 47 Ronin

Being a martial artist, I can't get enough of the sword play and the beauty of the fighting in this movie. Dramatic, fantastical, 47 Ronin brings the legend to life, in all its glory and pain. If you don't like unhappy endings, however, skip this one. The legend makes no concessions to our desire for an HEA.

8. Catching Fire

I had a very hard time watching Hunger Games; I'll admit it. The things children were forced to do, the things others did to them, were difficult to see onscreen. Catching Fire was easier, and in some ways the inevitability of death was easier to accept because the participants were adults. I enjoyed the emphasis on alliances in this one, and thought the ending completely unpredictable. (I haven't read the books.)

9. Invasion of the Body Snatchers

I watched this classic for the first time recently when it came available on Amazon Prime. Although leaps in logic and storyline were rife, I enjoyed seeing a movie I'd heard about for so long but never actually took the time to watch. And the cultural changes between then and now were an interesting comparison as well.

10. Clue

An oldie but goodie! I enjoy rewatching movies as much as I do rereading books, and this is one of my faves. Again, comedy not being easy, I love the over-the-top acting here -- Tim Curry in one of his greatest roles. :)

So how about you? What's your favorite way to rest your mind from the stress of the day? Do you have a go-to movie you enjoy, or are there new one's you've added to your must-see-again list?

Don't forget, I have a very good reason to need a break -- my new release comes out soon! Want to be one of the first to read the blurb, see the cover, have access to exclusive content? Then sign up for my newsletter before you miss out on all the fun. Oh, and hotties, don't forget the hotties!

~ Ella

Enjoy Your Labor Day!

By Beverly & Pack [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Tech Hubby

I've been married since 1995. I've always known my husband and I were opposites: I love books; he loves science tomes. I love rock 'n' roll; he loves Rush and trance. I like Big Bang Theory; he likes... Okay, we both share that one. The point is, my husband is very different from me, but I never realized just how valuable that could be until I started plotting stories that needed believable technology.

See, Tech Hubby keeps up with all the latest trends in science and technology. Part of that is necessity; he works in engineering in a city chockfull of engineers, so he's expected to know the latest advances. But he also just loves knowing the latest about computers and security and engineering and space exploration. As a long-time NASA employee, he knew astronauts, met with them daily, helped monitor space flights and experiments on the space station, and even now, many light-years from Houston, he craves information about Mars and the Hubble telescope and even commercial space flight. He builds his own computers and is always reading some new development in tech or communications or whatever makes my eyes glaze over. His degrees in physics and material sciences means he actually understands that information too, and when I ask him about satellite usage or how to fool computer programs or how to hack someone's phone or whatever, he can usually tell me. It's like having my very own expert right here at my side, except I get the added benefit of cuddling at night. :) Whenever I'm stuck, he's right there. It's awesome.

And no, I won't answer the question of what else he's an expert in. Pull your mind out of the gutter!

;)

I won't share inside knowledge about hubby's antics, but I will keep you up-to-date with all the exciting things I've got going on these days (outside the bedroom, you naughty readers!). To get in on the action (haha! that just totally came out there; it really did!), be sure and sign up for my newsletter. I promise not to hold back any sexy PUBLISHING details -- or (not my husband) man candy. ;)

*Photo courtesy of Robert McGoldrick.

Funny Friday: The Craziest Places To...Um...Have Sex

We romance writers, especially those of us with an erotic bent, can have some pretty weird conversations among ourselves, conversations like...oh..."where's the craziest place you've ever had sex?" And yes, we give some pretty out-there answers sometimes. ;) Here's how a few erotica authors answered the same question from Buzzfeed's Arianna Rebolini. Enjoy! ~ Ella

The 14 Craziest Places Where Erotica Writers Have Boned

*Photo courtesy of Jon 'ShakataGaNai' Davis.

Summer for Love Blog Hop: Adult Game Night

UPDATE: Our winner for the $15 gift card is Elizabeth Hyatt! Thank you all for participating. Be sure and check back the week of July 4th for another great giveaway!

Welcome to the Summer for Love Blog Hop! I’m Ella Sheridan, your host(ess) for this page of your blog hop experience. I hope you enjoy!

Entry information for the contest is at the bottom of this post. Be sure you leave a name AND AN EMAIL ADDRESS in your comment to be entered in the drawing. Don't forget!

~ ~ ~ ~ * ~ ~ ~ ~

Summer—it’s the time of no schedule, sleeping in, lazy days by the pool. It’s also the days of visits to the grandparents, midweek sleepovers, and the all-time parent favorite: SUMMER CAMP. So how can we take the most advantage of child-free summer nights? How about a trip down nostalgia lane? It's time for some of those games we played as kids and teens to make a second appearance -- for adult game nights. ;)

Twister

Who didn’t wish they could play Twister with the object of their blushingly adolescent desire? Now you can! Consider starting the game sans clothes, or taking off a piece every time you touch a color you’ve never landed on before (four colors = four pieces of clothing each). Another variation? Rub massage oil into each other’s skin before beginning the game.

Hide and Seek

Remember the buzz of anticipation in your belly as you waited in some hidden corner for whoever was “It” to find you? How about trying this game in the dark? You can also vary the game by playing multiple rounds, with the loser taking off a piece of clothing every time they’re found! (And if you haven’t read Cherise Sinclair’s Masters of the Shadowlands series, you should—the Masters have a particularly devious form of Hide and Seek they play in the Capture Gardens. You’re welcome!)

Simon Says

Set a timer. For the length of the time limit, “Simon” is allowed to tell his/her partner what to do—and I bet you can think of some pretty yummy commands, can't you? How about telling your partner to be silent…and then torturing them into making noise. When the timer goes off, “Simon” has to take his turn getting told what to do. Warning: This game can make foreplay go on forever, but the payoff is worth it!

Blind Man’s Bluff

Take off your clothes. Put on a blindfold. Let your partner surprise you. Enough said!

Truth or Dare

On small slips of paper, write down twenty questions that would reveal your partner's sexual fantasies. Then write down twenty activities you want to try with your partner in bed. Have your partner do the same. Put the questions in one bowl, the activities in another. Spend the evening in a candlelit room, wine at the ready, going through the bowls—and getting to know each other even better than you already do. ;)

Spin the Bottle

Here's a fun variation of this classic teen party game for two: On a piece of posterboard, draw a large circle and divide it into “slices.” Label each slice with an activity (touch, kiss, tickle, rub, etc.) and a body part (the two don’t have to go together). Place the posterboard in the middle of a room, empty a wine bottle (in whatever way you see fit), and place it in the middle. Take turns spinning. Whatever “slice” the head of the bottle points to, that’s the activity you must do. Whatever “slice” the middle of the bottle’s base points to, that’s the body part on which you do the activity. Creative, huh?

So what do you think? It gives a whole new meaning to “Everything old is new again,” doesn’t it?

In my first release, Dirty Little Secret, Cailin and Alex play their own version of Hide and Seek while on a ghost tour in downtown Nashville. Wanna see?

~ ~ ~ ~ Excerpt ~ ~ ~ ~

The group spread out to explore the area around the State Capitol Building, many heading toward the lighted side near President James K. Polk’s tomb. Alex stepped in that direction, but Cailin inhaled a deep breath, took a chance, and tugged him in the other. Barely visible, a hedge of evergreens lined the front area, providing a small alley of privacy she hoped to take advantage of.

“Where are we—”

Cailin used a fingertip to stop Alex’s question. Instead she drew him behind the evergreens, standing at least ten feet tall, backed him into the fragrant wall, and sank hastily to her knees.

“Cailin?”

Fingers trembling at the audacity of what she was about to do—and at the overwhelming desire to do it—Cailin reached up and placed both hands on Alex’s crotch. He choked even as his length hardened beneath her touch. The power she seemed to hold over his body awed her. Right now she’d use it to her advantage, for his pleasure.

Knowing seconds counted, she opened the button of his jeans by shoving her hands under his untucked button-down and giving a single flick to the top button. She didn’t even bother to lower the zipper all the way, just lowered it enough to maneuver the head of his shaft through the gap. His breathing bellowed in her ears, his pulse jumped between her fingers, and her mouth watered as she opened enough to take him in.

Fast. Frantic. She poured everything she had into pleasuring him, needing only the taste of his release on her tongue to satisfy her. She couldn’t tell if the sounds Alex was emitting were laughter or sobs. Either way, minutes later he was exploding in her mouth, his hands clutching her hair as he strained to empty every last drop into the moist cavern surrounding him. His salty release hit her tongue, and molten pleasure blinded her for long moments. Only Alex’s pulling back and the slide of his cock from her mouth returned her to the present.

“God, Cailin,” Alex said, strangled laughter making his words choppy, “what was that about?”

Standing, she helped him straighten his clothes until he was as presentable as they could make him in the almost nonexistent light. “It’s about surprising you,” she replied.

“I’d surprise you too, but I don’t think we have time for me to reciprocate.”

“Don’t have to. This tour was gift enough. Thank you,” she whispered as the sound of the others approaching filtered through the trees.

“You’re welcome, and yes, I do. And I will.” A hard, thorough kiss, then, “Just you wait.”

~ ~ ~ ~ * ~ ~ ~ ~

If you enjoyed Cailin and Alex’s “game,” you can read the rest of their story in Dirty Little Secret. The second book in the Secrets To Hide series, Naughty Little Christmas, is also available. And coming July 1st — Just a Little More, book three!

Six weeks ago Angel had it all—a brand-new master’s degree, an apartment with her best friend, Brad, and the chance to take their friendship to a whole hot new level. But on the night of their first kiss, a would-be rapist ripped her bright future apart. Stuck in a never-ending cycle of fear and depression, Angel is determined to find herself again, even if it means putting herself at risk.

Brad has loved Angel since he saved her from a playground bully in the fifth grade. But just as it seemed Angel’s eyes were opening to the true feelings between them, it all fell apart. When Angel disappears on the night of a freak snowstorm, Brad is determined to find her. And when he does, he won't let her hide any longer. It's time to wake her up—to a life without fear, and to a love that can heal the deepest wounds.

~ ~ ~ ~ * ~ ~ ~ ~

And now, a giveaway from The Romance Troupe!!

Grand Prizes: SIX $50 Amazon or B&N Gift Cards

Comment on this blog with your name and email to be entered into the Grand Prize drawing from TRR. Comments without a name and email will not be counted. Commenting on each and every stop will increase your chances of winning. Winners for the SIX Grand Prizes will be drawn and announced on THE ROMANCE TROUPE blog by June 10th.

Find a list of all stops here!

And there's more. Yes, MORE!

One lucky commenter will win a $15 gift card from Amazon or Barnes & Noble for some book shopping! Want more than one entry? There are two more easy ways to be entered for the prize:

1. Sign up for my monthly newsletter and get a second chance at the prize!

2. Friend me on Facebook for a third chance at the prize. Be sure to message me with your e-mail address so I can contact you if you win.

The winner of the Amazon/B&N gift card will be notified by Tuesday, June 10th, 2014. And keep an eye out for those big TRT winners! You can watch for that at the TRT site. I hope you enjoy some fun and adult games this summer!

~ Ella

No Sick Days

There are no sick days in writing. Okay, for some people there are, but unfortunately I’m not one of them. Between the kids and the editing gig and just plain normal maintenance -- hey, this body didn’t get this way by itself. Actually, it did, but I’m trying to work on that! ;) -- I have to write when I have time, not when I feel like it. And that means writing when I’m sick. Depressed. Just don’t want to.

Suck it up, buttercup. You still have to write.

This week I’m on a deadline. My wonderful editor has sent me revisions that will make Just a Little More a “more better” story. And that means I need to actually follow through on them (imagine that!). I spent this past week struggling through therapy for a bulging disc in my neck, and this weekend both my son and I got hit with a nasty virus (him more than me). All I wanted was to curl up in the bed, cover my head, and sleep the bad feelings away…but I can’t. I have to write. The week ahead is already full of work, and the revisions have to be squeezed in around that. The whip must be cracked and the laptop must be opened. There’s no time to waste on a sick day.

My birthday is coming up in about six weeks. Think I could wish for a sick day when I blow out the candles? ;)

How ’bout you, do you get sick days? Wish you did? Save them for when you aren’t really sick? (Wish I had that option!)

~ Ella

Photo courtesy of mcfarlandmo.

The Rain

It's currently cool and rainy down here in the Deep South. On mornings when I wake up to the gentle patter of rain, it's like a huge sigh settles over my soul -- there's just nothing better than rain. The steady drum, the muffling of outside noise, even the rushing tide of heavy winds when the rain breaks completely free. In all its faces, rain draws me in. It's my favorite time to walk. Let's face it -- the South gets HAWT, and not in a good way. Considering that my career means sitting on my rear for 90 percent of my day, I know moving is important, both to my mood and my health. But I hate the heat! This past winter I reveled in the few days we got snow, went out and walked in it and felt the soft flakes on my face, but nothing compares to walking in the rain. As Roger Miller says, "Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet." The cool breeze caresses your face, and there's that strange sense of cool wetness on your skin when you aren't actually wet. You know what I mean, right there under your raincoat, with the raindrops beating against you like a massage and the world coated in a hazy gray blanket. All the things that weigh heavy on my mind are coated too, drowned out, and I can just be, there in the rain.

I grew up in an old farmhouse with a tin roof. Lots of houses out in the middle of nowhere in the South have tin roofs, especially the barns, but I was lucky enough that my bedroom was right underneath it, right up there in the eaves, right where the sound of the rain on the metal would resonate in my ears. Sure there were times that the thunder and lightning would scare the bejesus out of me, but mostly I remember how calming that sound was, how it sank down in my chest and felt like home. Even now, when I listen to meditation or sleep programs, I'm drawn to the ones that sound like rivers or streams, the tinkling of water over rocks, the sound that reminds me of the streaming of water down that old tin roof. There's no other sound quite like it.

The absolute best thing about rain, though, is curling up with a good book under a fuzzy blanket while the water pounds away outside. Maybe it's the white noise effect or maybe the sense of being enclosed, cocooned against that relentless force; I don't know. I can lose myself in the sound as much as in the world of the book I'm reading, or maybe that fiction world becomes clearer as reality is dampened by the rain. I know I'm conditioned now -- when it rains, all I want to do is curl up and read. Not a bad way to think, huh?

Does the rain draw you? Why? While you think about it, I'm gonna go curl up. Coffee's calling, and a book, and the rain.

~ Ella

Photos by: Yuliya Libkina, llya, and docoverachiever

The Yin Yang That Is My Life

This week, I go back to the doctor for what seems like the umpteenth time. I'm there every three months for a checkup, and it's something I hate to do. Being a perfectionist, I struggle with the constant feeling that, for my doctor, I can never be good enough -- and I can't. At any given time I find I can only work to improve one thing, and something else inevitably gets left behind. If I'm working hard to stick to my diet, I end up not working out enough. If I'm working out five days a week, I'm not watching what I eat carefully enough (usually because I'm starving after all those workouts!). If I'm working hard on a writing project or a new writing skill, both workouts and diet go by the wayside. Needless to say, my doc is never completely happy with any of it.

That's not to say I am completely happy with it. If I was, I wouldn't dread going to see him so much. But this year my goal has been to accept imperfection, to realize that no one is perfect -- especially me -- and to be okay with the process instead of some nebulous end result. The yin yang symbol is my daily reminder that no light is completely devoid of darkness, and yet no darkness is completely devoid of light. It's okay not to be perfect as long as I'm striving to improve, and on my darkest days, I am never a complete failure either, no matter how much I might feel like I am.

Yin yang is all about balance. Balance by its very nature cannot be attained if I am perfect all of the time -- and all that perfection would probably make me arrogant anyway. :) If I am perfect in one area, another must naturally fall away. It's that whole "you cannot be all things to all people," except applied to myself. I can't do it all, no matter how much I want to. I'm trying to realize that, accept it, and not beat myself up about it like I have for the last 39 perfectionist-driven years. So when I go into my doctor's office this week and he looks at me and asks how I've been doing, I'll say I've been doing okay and mean it. I'm not required to be anything else. I don't have to be fantastic. I can just be okay -- a work in progress, as we say in the writing world. That work leads to some really great stories, and I look forward to the process. :)

Great minds think alike! Head on over to my sister Dani Wade's blog and see what she has to say about being a WIP today!

*Above picture courtesy of DonkeyHotey on Flickr.

The Joy of Silence

"Silence is a source of great strength."  ~ Lao Tzu Sound clutters the mind. I am, by nature, a talker -- I love words and use them often to work out what's in my mind. But I've realized lately exactly how cluttered my mind is, that often I have to fill any silence with, if not actual words, then thoughts of words. I can't go a moment without running conversation through my mind. Silence makes me antsy, yet all that noise in my head is exhausting.

We need rest. Our minds need rest. When I began my publishing journey last year, I was on constant deadline. I was thinking about writing, listening to music to inspire my writing, talking myself through scenes for my writing, talking to others about my writing or my books or my career -- and doing nothing for me, the internal me. The realization that I'd not had a vacation from writing in over two years was illuminating. No wonder I felt burned out. No wonder my mind was tired all the time. And yet when I tried meditation, to immerse myself in the silence, it was virtually impossible. I was too used to the noise.

When I was a kid, we lived in a house with no air-conditioning. So during the summer, we slept with those big box fans running in the bedroom, usually in the window so it would blow the cooler air inside. I loved it, but I didn't love the transition from summer to winter. See, that was when the house went from no air-conditioning to only wood heat, and we went from all that glorious noise at night to complete silence. I hated it. I'd toss and turn and try to sleep, and all I could hear was the silence after that big, noisy fan was put away. The lack of noise was a void I couldn't ignore for the sake of sinking into the silence. And yet the absence of sound slowly became the norm again, and I could sleep without the interference between me and the silence.

I think, in today's busy, modern, information-filled world, the value of silence is even higher. We need the silence to calm our minds. We need to teach our kids to find themselves in the quiet rather than having to constantly be fed on chaos. The more we practice silence, the easier it becomes and the more centered we get. The bits of ourselves that we forgot existed float back to the surface. Like our creativity. Our joy. Our passion. Our hunger for something other than chaos. It's a hard transition, but one I think is well worth it.

In the silence, we rediscover who we are.

How very true that is. And what strength we find on the journey.

~ Ella

A Little Secret

The weekend before last I was given the privilege of teaching a small workshop at my local Romance Writers of America chapter's annual retreat. I wanted something new and a bit different from other workshop topics I'd heard often, since the writers' circuit tends to focus on certain areas (craft, business) and not on others. Say, for instance, the personal and private fears of an author. So of course that's what I chose to talk about. (I like to torture myself that way, ya know. ;) ) http://gamemoir.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/doctor-wait-what.gif

Wait, pause for the smirk. *smirk* Okay, let's get serious again.

What personal and private fears did I talk about? Fear of failure and perfectionism. I'll let you in on a little secret: I'm a perfectionist. I know, I was shocked too, but it's true! I really am a perfectionist, a hard-core one, in fact. And that drive for perfection led to some very real fears when I decided to pursue publishing, the biggest of all being, What if I fail? Now that I'm published, that fear of failure has morphed, not gone away. What if my next book isn't as good as my last? What if my publisher doesn't want any more books? What if my book doesn't perform as well as expected?

What if, what if, what if? It can become like a rat race in your head, literally driving you crazy. That's what happened to me. The "crazy" became so bad I couldn't write. All I could hear were those questions spinning through my head, unending, paralyzing, blocking out the voices of my characters and my love of writing. A problem like that doesn't just go away -- it takes time and kindness to yourself and patience and, sometimes, help from outside sources. But it can be made better. You can learn to deal with it, walk through it. It doesn't have to kill your love of writing or anything else you love to do well.

The number one thing I learned as I suffered through this tough time was this: Failure is not inevitable, but if it does happen, it's not the end of the world. (Again, shocking, I know! :) ) But I learned something else too: Failure can be just the beginning of some very satisfying things. Sometimes we have to slug through the struggles to get where we want to be.

There is a Chinese proverb that goes like this: "Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up." Don't refuse to get back up. Failure happens, but it's not always a bad thing. We don't have to be perfect; we just have to keep trying. That's what I'm striving for this year, to keep trying, keep getting better, keep moving forward. Whether that leads to failure or not, I firmly believe that it's the trying that makes us a success.

~ Ella

Games, Games, Games!

After a long week, my family decided to visit some friends Saturday night for a bit of board game fun. We don't play often -- it's one of those things that we have to convince ourselves to do, but once we get a game out and begin, we really enjoy. (Go figure.) Saturday, though, we found ourselves playing one of our very favorite board games: Settlers of Catan. We played this game for the first time last year, never having heard of it before. Apparently the game is well-known for intricacies and adaptability, but we just think it's fun. :) The premise is basically the settling of a fictional land called Catan. Players earn various resources and use those resources to build and explore and establish an empire in a new land. Players barter with each other and scheme their way to riches until one of them earns enough points to be the winner.

Why is this so much fun? Honestly, I don't know. :) I am not a good schemer, but I think for me it's the "making order out of chaos" aspect of the game that's appealing. My kids love the bartering and manipulating their resources to make new things. We also have the Seafarers edition (an expansion of the original Settlers), which allows players to create shipping empires and discover new opportunities and even gold mines on convenient Catan islands. I've even heard of the game described as a sort of pioneer version of "Monopoly," and I think there are aspects of that too. The player with the most "money" (resources) wins. But there's just something primitively satisfying about making something out of nothing -- oh, and beating your opponents! That's satisfying too. :)

So, what's your favorite board game? Do you and your family have a favorite pastime that helps relieve the stress of a busy/difficult week? Let me know what it is -- I'm always looking for fun new things to try!

Have a great week! :)

~ Ella

Justified

I don't blog to solve the world's ills. I'm not usually too serious, too heavy -- unlike my actual books. No, the point is just to throw some thoughts out there so my readers and fellow authors can get to know me just a little bit, and for me to feel a little connections with you, my audience, on a regular basis. I'm afraid, as one of my favorite heroes would say, today is not that day.

There are a lot of ways I could approach this, but I think a straightforward story is the simplest. This week, I attended a women-only martial arts class. During this class the female instructor's husband, a man who has multiple upper-level ranks (as does she), began to disrupt class and badger my instructor because she was telling us to execute a move in a way he disagreed with. As the confrontation escalated, the women in the room got quiet, struggled to continue as if nothing was wrong, and even began to visibly shake. My instructor huddled against the wall, silent, making herself as small as possible, probably in an effort to soothe her husband.

And then there was me.

I was shaking too. I was watching my instructor and seeing not her but my mother, huddled in on herself, silent, hoping my father would stop his ranting and raving. I kept engaging with my instructor, confirming and affirming what she wanted and trying to continue doing it. But when her husband refused to stop, I did what I'd done so many times as a child and young adult. I stepped in and (politely in this instance) told this man, who had instructed me in other classes and been what I considered a family friend, to stop. And watched with heart-pounding anxiety as he blew up, just like my dad always did.

Thankfully this man kept it verbal -- and kept his hands, for that reason alone -- but still, that was no excuse. He lost control. Why? Because he couldn't force a bunch of women to acknowledge that he was right. That is the only reason he verbally attacked his wife and me. He intimidated the other students. He finally stormed out after threatening me for standing up for his wife. And his excuse, when my husband questioned him, was that he was a particular degree of belt (in another system of study) and had so many years of experience, and I should've bowed to that and respected him as superior (my words, not his, though that's the gist). He told my husband, essentially, that his actions were justified by his authority.

Right.

Now, my whole point here isn't to blast this situation into the blogosphere. Notice I haven't use any names and don't intend to, even down to the art I study. That's not what I'm going for. What I'm trying to say is, this man felt justified in his actions because of his "authority" over a bunch of women, including his life's mate, a woman he should be cherishing and treating with love and honor. Make no mistake; this would never have happened in a room containing even one man besides himself. I know because I've seem him rein in irritation when my husband was present. He is capable of pulling himself back. On this day, however, since "no one" was there to act as a stop on him, he felt justified. He was acting on, essentially, righteous indignation at the flouting of his authority. He was taking "appropriate action."

Then and now, I call bullshit. So did my husband.

I have many issues with feminism that I won't get into today. But one thing that feminism has done right is free women from the requirement to submit to a man's authority "just because." Even in the late '80s and early '90s, as a woman in the South, any man in a position of authority over me -- pastor, government official, teacher, boss, husband -- expected to be obeyed whether they were right or wrong. And not only that, but the rest of society, including women, reinforced that belief. When told that my father was verbally and/or physically abusive, it was "He's just disciplining you" or "I don't see any bruises, so how could it be abuse?" When a boss pulled me into his office to castigate me over alleged lack of "the right attitude" at work (for which he couldn't even produce examples), my female supervisors sat there stone-faced and told me to take it. When a male friend told me I shouldn't be teaching kindergarten-aged boys because they were male and I was female and the Bible said I shouldn't have authority over men, barely anyone blinked. This was the reality of female life not too long ago; in some places it is still the reality today. Not for me.

You see, I am not required to give you respect. You may demand it based on the fact of your title, your age, your experience, or even that your body has a penis attached to it, but I do not have to give it. I do not live in Japan or China, and therefore the fact that you have more stripes on your karate belt does not mean I have to treat you like God. Respect is earned, not demanded. And if you demand it and try to lord it over me like this man did? I have one response for you: Go f**k yourself.

Let me be very clear: Verbal or physical abuse is NEVER justified. You want respect? Earn it. No one is required to give it to you. My children are a prime example of this for me, given the background I came from. My husband and I deal with them with integrity, love, and consistency, and that is how we cultivate their respect and obedience. When we get upset at our house and lose our sh*t (never physically and never demeaning each other; I'm just talking about normal family conflict here), do you know how we fix that with each other? Not by demanding submission from the rest of the family. We fix it with humility. We say we are sorry (yes, even my husband and I, the parents). We ask for forgiveness. We are open and honest and deal with each other honorably -- and earn trust by never crossing certain boundaries, no matter how hot our emotions run.

I teach my children to act honorably and defend the weak, and I do it by example. That hasn't always been easy for me. I began studying martial arts because I was afraid. For the first six months of classes I could not bring myself to block a punch coming right at my face. (Actually I still sometimes can't.) Why? Because I'd programmed myself from the time I was little to be still. Defending myself only made the punishment worse (of course, I never trained my tongue that well). It took a long time to break that programming, to become strong, and it's still not easy. I do it anyway. I train for it. BUT I also train to gain control, so that I never use what I know to force others to my will. To justify my own actions. Any authority I have, any respect I am given, must be earned. That's what is right. Always. Anything else is just plain wrong.

One last thing. If you are in a situation where you are being subjected to verbal or physical abuse, you need to get out. Don't justify staying. Protect yourself. Protect your children, if you have any. Do it now, today. Don't buy into the myth that this behavior is justified. It's never was and never will be.

~ Ella

*Top photo courtesy of 迷花不事君 (http://cc.nphoto.net/view/2008/10424.shtml) [CC-BY-SA-2.5-cn (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5/cn/deed.en)], via Wikimedia Commons

Uncertainty...

...Or a Look at What's Coming in 2014 It's the beginning of a new year. Every January I make a list of goals for the next year, personal and professional. This past year has been filled with a lot of ups and downs, some pretty low lows (not winning the Golden Heart for Unbroken), and some high highs (visiting Ireland, publishing not one but two books this year!). With all of that swirling in my mind, I found one thing rising to the top as I face this new year:

Uncertainty.

Career planning is a big deal in the publishing world. It's also almost completely subjective, because you don't know when or if a book will be accepted. This coming year, I hope to finish book three in my Secrets To Hide series, Ian and Cassie's book. But before that, I have a novella with Brad in mind. I have a story swirling in my head for Hank (from Naughty), but it would take me in a little bit of a different direction than I was expecting. I'm also working on a series I plan to self-publish later this year, Southern Nights, a trilogy that's a bit more on the suspense side than Secrets.

It sounds like I have everything planned out, right? Like I know what I'm doing? Um, no. :) I'm taking a stab in the dark here. I'm hoping these are the right decisions to make, feel like these are the right decisions, but then, who knows? What if it's not? What if I should be focusing on the Archai? My heart yearns to see those books moving forward, but when? How? And how do I balance all of this with my family and work and a schedule that looks like my clock threw up on it?

Mark Danielewski said, "Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of 'not knowing.'" Maybe that's the philosophical rewrite of "You do what you have to do." I don't know. All I do know is that I have to take one step forward, one at a time, until I get "somewhere." Most paths aren't straight. They twist and turn and fold back on themselves, on us. How do we know we're on the right path? How do we decide which fork to take? Or is the journey more important than where we end up?

I'm not sure I know. But when I look back on 2013 and see how life has changed, it gives me hope that 2014 will be even better, lows and highs included.

*Photos by Ian Meikle and Laenulfian.

Funny Friday: Calvin and the New Year

My son and I love Calvin and Hobbes. In fact, he received the Complete Calvin and Hobbes Collection (that weighs about 50 pounds!) for Christmas. So I thought I'd ring in the New Year with a little bit of my favorite much-too-mature little kid. :)

It's Monday and...

There's supposed to be a new post here; I know. I, however, am laid up in bed with a vicious cold. How 'bout you? Enjoying your holiday? I hope so! But for now, I'm headed back to bed, hopefully with a book in hand, maybe staying awake long enough to read it. :) Or maybe not. Nighty night!

The Best Christmas Tree Ever

I'm addicted -- to a tree. I admit it. About three years ago, my family and I went to the local Christmas tree farm like we do every year. It became a family tradition when we moved back to the Deep South from Houston, Texas. We go every year on a cold afternoon, cut a tree, stop at Starbucks for cocoa, and come home to decorate. It's an occasion my kids anticipate every year, and I have to admit, I do too. Anywho.

About three years ago, we noticed a row of trees near the ones we were inspecting for possible chopping. We had passed over every fir we found, none of the cypress's would do, and yet we needed a tree. And there, just across the way, was the oddest tree we'd ever seen. It wasn't exactly green, more like a greenish gray. The needles weren't straight, more twisted and densely packed. And when you brushed against it -- the most intense cinnamon-evergreen scent that's ever met my nose. It was beautiful. I had to have one!

Our mystery tree is an Arizona Cypress, so they tell me. I don't care. I just know it "makes" Christmas for me. The scent, the beauty. Last year, when I was struggling with shoulder pain (and ended up with surgery days before Christmas), the tree even looked beautiful with no ornaments. We stuck clumps of velvety red poinsettias and these lime-green sparkly twigs in strategic places and called it good. And the tree was still a beauty.

So, this year I'm sitting in my living room watching the white lights twinkle on my awesome tree, smelling the fresh scent filling the house, and enjoying the anticipation of the season. Now if only we had some snow...

UPDATE! We got the ornaments on! Isn't she pretty?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Every year since my kids were little, we have watched every Charlie Brown movie for the winter holidays. We love the Great Pumpkin and that spindly little Charlie Brown Christmas tree, but we also watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. A little less popular, maybe, but it's what makes the season for us. So, in the spirit of Charlie Brown, happy Thanksgiving!

That Special Feeling

I sit beside my son in church most Sundays. He's twelve and a half, going through the kinda tough late-middle-school years right now, and I've been consciously paying more attention to him lately. Not that I neglected him before. It's just that he's definitely his father's son, all into video games and math and very much a loner. He's a great kid. I just kind of felt like he was interested in things other than his mom. And then he hit the preteen years.

Suddenly he's popping out the weirdest, off-the-wall, out-of-the-blue comments while we're driving in the car. Starting conversations. Putting in his two cents worth when I talk to my daughter, who thrives on deep, intense conversations about life-changing topics. He's talking. For a male in our family, that's odd. And endearing.

He's talking to me, not his dad.

I have this habit of sort of running my fingers through his hair, really just trying to brush it down since it's thick and has a tendency to stick up at the oddest angles. He always tolerates it, but just barely. I can tell he wishes I would stop. But now that my son isn't a baby anymore, I guess I kind of felt like it was a way for me to connect to him physically without making him uncomfortable. But I also figured he was outgrowing being touched by his mama (except for those hugs I won't let him get away from!), especially in public. And then, today, he gave me a great gift.

We were sitting next to each other, just the two of us in our church pew. He kept yawning, making this obnoxious little sound that probably wasn't as loud as I thought it was but somehow only managed to escape when things were completely quiet. :) I turned to look at him, my son with the freckles across his nose and the red tint to his blond hair and the height to look me in the eye, and without looking at me, he leaned over and his head touched my shoulder for the briefest moment. I closed my eyes, that special feeling of "Oh, my baby!" washing over me, and leaned my cheek against his hair. The moment lasted no more than a few seconds, seconds filled with the scent of the Axe shampoo he uses and the lightest weight of his head against my shoulder and that special feeling flooding me, and then it was over. He sat back up, and the sermon went on.

It was perfect. It was amazing. It was special, and I don't think I'll ever forget it.

Weekly Web Search: Getting a Grip on Overwhelm

In keeping with our theme of getting back an enjoyable life, I was doing some searching and found this wonderful website, lifeorganizers.com. Tons of awesome ideas there. This article in particular struck me because I have spent most of the past year overwhelmed. My favorite suggestion? Train your brain!

"In order to get out of overwhelm, your mind must first understand that you -- just like every other person on the planet -- only has 24 hours each day to work with... Bottom line: You can't cram 48 hours worth of work into 24 and expect to feel good about it. You just can't."

Check out the rest of the article here -- and let me know what you think. Any ideas you think will help you get a handle on that "overwhelmed" feeling?

Don't Forget To Have a Life

"The two most important things in publishing: No. 1, finish the book; No. 2, live your life." ~ Jasinda Wilder, "The Naked Truth About Publishing"

I can't begin to describe how hard this sentence hit me when I read it. See, for the past year, I've struggled to have a life, much less live it. I work seven days a week. I have two kids and a husband who works sixty-hour weeks. I don't have enough money for someone to clean my house for me or cook for me or do my laundry. I have health issues that require constant maintenance I can't always give. So yeah, having a life has been a wee bit of a struggle lately.

I'm determined to stop that.

I want to have a life. I want to enjoy it. I want to be able to think about diving into a new book and not dread it. Why? Because I love writing, and I hate burnout. I refuse to give up the former, and refuse to give in to the latter. So I'm taking drastic steps to make this life more enjoyable. What are they? Well, I'll probably be talking about that some over the next few months, but really, it's all about finding what works for you, just like with anything else. First, I made a list of the priorities in my life:

Writing, Family and Rest Time, Health, and Work

Notice how far down on that list work is? Guess where I was acting like it was on that list? Yep, number one. And money is important, but it ain't seven-days-a-week, hair-falling-out-I'm-so-stressed important. It's not. So I'm relegating work to where it should be, and elevating the things that are more important. We'll see how it goes. I have no doubt I'll slip every once in a while and fall back into old habits, but something has to give. We all deserve a life, one we enjoy, not one we dread. So, on this oh so dreary, rainy Monday, go forth, and HAVE A LIFE! I know I will.

:)

Oh, and for those of you wondering about the Gift Card Drawing, I'll announce the winner this evening, so be sure to check back!

Ella

*Photo by Chris Campbell.